Evolution of sexuality off course JUST THINKING about sex gives me a headache. When I was a kid, sex was clearly defined as a naughty act that was only nice if you did it with someone you love after you were married. And no one suggested girls should enjoy it. Indeed, reproduction, not enjoyment, must be the principal motive for participating, we were cautioned by Sister Mary Inviolata.
And you must never, never, never touch yourself, she added. The fact that the good sister was a virgin who took a vow to eschew sex never led those of us in the girls high school in 1955 to question her authority on the subject. Rigid, you say. Unrealistic, you add. Oppressive, you sigh. True. But at least we had a structure. Today we have a free-for-all from seniors who live together without benefit of clergy to sexually stimulating pills for guys who can’t do it without help to sex toys for any household decor.
Like ergonomically correct designer-inspired vibrators. The latest upscale fashion accessory in chic bathrooms, according to The New York Times. Some are selling for as much as $375. Industry sources are saying sex-toy sales are increasing about 25 percent a year and that most of the buyers are women. Which is interesting to me because so many senior women tell me they wish “sex” would go away — or at least simmer down. These women blame Viagra and Cialis for turning formerly pleasant dates into sexual harassment.
Listen to my senior friend, Anna, who was out with this guy for dinner. When dessert comes, he puts the blue Viagra pill on the table. “I get six a month and they cost $10 each and they take an hour to work, so what should I do with it?” the guy coyly asked Anna. “I told him what he could do with it,” Anna says when she tells the story. After seven decades of living, Anna wants to pick and choose her sexual partners on her own time. She may even have her own ideas about how to have sex, says Beverly Whipple, co-author of “The G Spot,” which proved the existence and defined the location of the Grafenberg spot, which is erectile tissue felt through the front wall of the vagina. More than 1 million copies of the book have been sold. Whipple, a professor emeritus at Rutgers University, says women can have complete satisfaction and pleasure without reaching an orgasm.
She says women have a “circular” response to sex. For women, kissing and holding hands can be as important as intercourse. Orgasm may not be all that important to most women, she says. Now there’s more data to back up her theory. Sex research shows about 95 percent of men nearly always have orgasm with intercourse but only about 25 to 30 percent of women do. In fact, 30 percent of women say they never have an orgasm from intercourse and the rest have it “sometimes.”
Does this bring us back to the original premise: For women, sex is for reproduction and we’re not supposed to enjoy it? Not true, says Whipple. She says her research proves the entire woman’s body has potential for sexual stimulation. She says women need to figure out their own individual stimulation points. The difficulty, she agrees, can be communicating that knowledge to a partner.
Older women particularly have difficulty talking about sex — even with longtime partners. I guess we’ve come a long way in the century since Freud insisted women should only enjoy sex vaginally. All other forms of sexual enjoyment were “infantile,” he said. I know it’s better to open the closet doors, to let the sun shine, to be honest and direct and say Freud had it all wrong and we all should be free to be ourselves. Someday, maybe, we’ll get that sophisticated. Meanwhile, we preach abstinence, enjoy plurality, demand satisfaction and get coy about our “G Spot.” Like I said, just thinking about sex gives me a headache.
Jane Glenn Haas
LINK Times Leader
